Decision for the Future

      I have a decision to make, quite a large one, and I have no idea what to do. Basically, I've got to decide whether to stay in school an extra year or not. I'm not doing great in school for a few reasons, the main one is that I don't give a shit, simple enough, but there's also the factor of missing loads of school for various medical things and not catching up cos, again, I don't give a shit. The reason I've begun to consider this as an option is primarily my wrist, it looks like it may be worse than expected and it could take months to get better, it could be running into being a year without guitar playing, which would mean that if I continue to do my leaving cert next year I would have to drop music and I don't want that to happen but I don't know. I'm finding this quite a hard choice. There are pros to staying back a year and there are cons to it too, that's the idea I'm thinking of going with now, it's what I've told people I'm doing, told myself I'm doing. I haven't fully thought it out and I find it very hard to do so to myself so I'm going to do it here, addressing whoever happens to come across this blog.
      If I stay back a year I could re-choose my subjects and maybe be able to drop the ones I don't like and the ones I'm shit at. I would also be in the same year as two of my best friends, all of that is good and all but I don't know, I still want to leave school as soon as I possibly can, I mean if I thought I could get a job that would keep me alive I would drop out of school now, quite seriously, but I know I probably won't so I'll stay. But for an extra year? I don't know. If I continue on to do 6th year next year I won't be ready, I mean this time next year I'd be doing my mocks, I won't be ready, I'm hardly passing any subject at the moment, it's down to not giving a single shit about school, hating it, avoiding it. I mean I got suspended and I was happy because I managed to miss a test I didn't want to do. It's the whole idea of formal education that just puts me off. I love learning, by myself, I read books on various historical events because that interests me. I spend hours online finding out things that are considered useless. I watch films based on real things so I can find out more about them. I love self education but I don't see the point of every kid learning about Sylvia Plath or Robert Frost, it's utterly pointless. If I failed my leaving cert I wouldn't repeat it, purely out of disinterest. On that basis I need to think, if I do my leaving next year would I pass? No, probably not. So if I'm going to do it at all I should stay back a year, right? Or I could just not do it and drop out of school all together, wouldn't that be great? I want to drop out but I know my parents wouldn't let me, not a chance in hell. So my choice is narrowed to stay a year and a bit but possibly fail or stay two and a bit years and make it slightly less likely for me to fail. I don't know, I just want to escape responsibility, which isn't really possible so which gives me most freedom? I'm still quite unsure. I should give myself the opportunity to go to college before the age of 23 but I know that I don't want to go, sure, maybe I'll change my mind, it's a possibility and am I going to risk presuming I won't want to go to college for the next seven years? I know vaguely what I want to do for the first two years after school is finished but what about the three years after that, what if in those three years I decide I want to go to college and not have to wait until I turn 23.

     I resent the fact that this decision has been put on me, it shouldn't be a decision a 16 year old is given the responsibility to make. I'm not ready to start worrying about the future, I just want to have fun without consequences that will last me seven years. I hate the fact that soon all my friends are going to be making their decisions about what to do in college, they're almost all at least a few months younger than me and shouldn't be forced to plan their future this young, I was quite determined against this and I've managed thusfar to avoid making decisions about my future in advance to my future but suddenly I have to, I have to make this huge decision that I just can't deal with and it's quite upsetting and really stressful an I don't think I have the ability to make a judgement in which decision is right for me, I might as well flip a coin. I honestly don't know.