Teenage Stress Rant

     I'm going to start this with I'm probably not going to college, maybe I will a few years after school is finished but I have very little interest in going at the moment. I'm in 5th year which means I  have less than a year and a half until college time, about a year to make the decisions of what I want to do in college, that is I would have if I wasn't repeating the year. So in this final year before college applications have to be in, which is quite a daunting thought, the idea of having to choose your future at the age of 16 or 17, we have to go through a whole lot of college talk, like shitloads, last week we had 'careers day' in which 40 speakers almost all from various colleges around Dublin (some were reps for the college, others pupils, past and present) came into us and talked mainly about how amazing such-and-such college was and how diverse it was in courses or how fascinating such-and-such course is, today we went to UCD campus and had a talk and a tour there and it was a pleasant enough day. BUT I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING COLLEGE, I AM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE WHAT I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT RIGHT NOW. This is when we're meant to be enjoying ourselves, they say that these are the best years of our lives, I doubt the truth in that, the stress we're put under is absolutely ridiculous, I'm not overly prone to getting stressed out but this year I've been so stressed that there have been times that I couldn't cope any more, most of those times I just stayed home or whatever and got suspended when I got caught, the work was easier than in class, it actually isn't that bad, I mean you have to sit in one place and do the booklets you get given in the morning but they don't actually check so you do what you want mainly (this is internal suspension btw, I had to stay in school)


     I found this in my drafts from a couple months ago when I last got suspended (around Easter I do believe), I have begun to change my mind about going to college now but this is still extremely relevant. It's unfinished but I'm not pissed of enough to rant about it so this what you're getting, I've only skimmed through it so there may be unfinished points throughout and for that I do apologize but I don't care enough to fix them.
     Ruska

Bored in Loviisa

     I've come back to this as I have quite literally nothing to do, it is 11:07 pm Finnish time and my grandmother is asleep in the other room so I can't do anything too noisy but my body is still on Irish time so it is convinced that it's only 9pm, which gives me at least 7 more waking hours with my normal sleeping schedule, which in Finnish time is 6am, a mere half hour before my grandmother wakes up and starts moving around and not more than 2 hours after that she wakes me, this morning she woke me pretty late, at nine (which my body still takes as 7am and does not like at all), but with this heat I find it even more difficult to sleep than before, the house is at a steady 26 degrees Celsius through out the summer, which, at night is ten degrees and during the day about 2 degrees above the temperature outside, which I find ridiculous and uncomfortable. I have no problem with it being hot outside, I'm totally fine with it, like it even, as long as escape the heat somewhat when I go inside rather than sweat more. I imagine I'll spend more time writing on this over the course of this coming week as in the two days I've spent here I've done essentially all there is to do in Loviisa when you've been returning to the same place once or twice a year for the past 17 years.
     Loviisa a small town about 90km from Helsinki (which is Finland's capital if you were wondering). With a total population of almost 16000 (which means the entire population of Loviisa could fit into Croke park more than 5 times)  and four traffic lights (all of them operational I believe) it's fucking tiny and, from the point of view of someone who has been returning to it regularly for the past 17 years, it's really fucking boring. I have some cousins-once-removed  that are a couple of year younger than me that I usually spend the majority of my time with but they left for their mökki (summer cottage) today so they won't be around anymore. Loviisa is picturesque and lovely looking but there isn't much to do so I'm going to spend most of time eating and lazing around which I usually wouldn't object to as it is most of what I do with my life anyway but the whole limited internet connection and heat preventing me from getting the already meager amount of sleep I get is really making everything kinda shitty (except food, food is never shitty, I'm eating about twice as much as usual at the moment, which is quite a feat let me tell you) I have to move to a place that I haven't heated up with my body heat and sweat yet so I'm gonna sign off, sorry about the probable incomprehensibility of this, my brain functionality isn't at it's best right now.
     Ruska

Captain America and bullet-points on my life.

I've just been to see Captain America: The Shadow something-or-other. I can't remember the name but wow it was some film, in many ways what I would expect from your typical Marvel film, I presume, this was my first full one. Well other than Spider-Man and that's kinda shittier. I mean I liked that too but not as much also it's by someone else, I think (like company-wise). The action parts were ridiculous but fun to watch as per most big action films. The Ratio of strong female characters to strong male characters was pretty much 1:1 which I liked. The Black Widow was in it which I really liked and Abed (from Community, google him, can't remember his name) was in it which excited me a lot. It was a dramatic, ridiculous fast paced film which will probably make me watch all the previous ones. It gets a thumbs up from me.

     Quick update on my life: 

- Wrist is in recovery from surgery, all went well, still a little sore. 

- School still shitty, still there and will remain because the school is shitty. 

- Went to All Time Low a few weeks ago, brilliant, may write more in future. 

- Suspended for a day for mitching, also detention next week, suckish week, may complain.

- The Strypes in 14 days in the Academy with Weronika!! Exciting, may excitedly write more.

     I've been busy and lazy so not here, sorry 'bout that. Cheers anyone who cares. 

    Ruska

Good News

     Good news all round! My cousin is okay (yay!) and I may possibly be dropping out of school for a few months (yay!) but I'll have to return to 5th year next September (not yay). That's about it, except for there being a cool thing in Temple Bar on Saturday if anyone is in Dublin. Go on Facebook and search for the never alone collective and you should find details but basically it's busking all day long with cool people which is good, some really good music and everyone should go. I'm lazy so find out for yourself on Facebook. 

Decision for the Future

      I have a decision to make, quite a large one, and I have no idea what to do. Basically, I've got to decide whether to stay in school an extra year or not. I'm not doing great in school for a few reasons, the main one is that I don't give a shit, simple enough, but there's also the factor of missing loads of school for various medical things and not catching up cos, again, I don't give a shit. The reason I've begun to consider this as an option is primarily my wrist, it looks like it may be worse than expected and it could take months to get better, it could be running into being a year without guitar playing, which would mean that if I continue to do my leaving cert next year I would have to drop music and I don't want that to happen but I don't know. I'm finding this quite a hard choice. There are pros to staying back a year and there are cons to it too, that's the idea I'm thinking of going with now, it's what I've told people I'm doing, told myself I'm doing. I haven't fully thought it out and I find it very hard to do so to myself so I'm going to do it here, addressing whoever happens to come across this blog.
      If I stay back a year I could re-choose my subjects and maybe be able to drop the ones I don't like and the ones I'm shit at. I would also be in the same year as two of my best friends, all of that is good and all but I don't know, I still want to leave school as soon as I possibly can, I mean if I thought I could get a job that would keep me alive I would drop out of school now, quite seriously, but I know I probably won't so I'll stay. But for an extra year? I don't know. If I continue on to do 6th year next year I won't be ready, I mean this time next year I'd be doing my mocks, I won't be ready, I'm hardly passing any subject at the moment, it's down to not giving a single shit about school, hating it, avoiding it. I mean I got suspended and I was happy because I managed to miss a test I didn't want to do. It's the whole idea of formal education that just puts me off. I love learning, by myself, I read books on various historical events because that interests me. I spend hours online finding out things that are considered useless. I watch films based on real things so I can find out more about them. I love self education but I don't see the point of every kid learning about Sylvia Plath or Robert Frost, it's utterly pointless. If I failed my leaving cert I wouldn't repeat it, purely out of disinterest. On that basis I need to think, if I do my leaving next year would I pass? No, probably not. So if I'm going to do it at all I should stay back a year, right? Or I could just not do it and drop out of school all together, wouldn't that be great? I want to drop out but I know my parents wouldn't let me, not a chance in hell. So my choice is narrowed to stay a year and a bit but possibly fail or stay two and a bit years and make it slightly less likely for me to fail. I don't know, I just want to escape responsibility, which isn't really possible so which gives me most freedom? I'm still quite unsure. I should give myself the opportunity to go to college before the age of 23 but I know that I don't want to go, sure, maybe I'll change my mind, it's a possibility and am I going to risk presuming I won't want to go to college for the next seven years? I know vaguely what I want to do for the first two years after school is finished but what about the three years after that, what if in those three years I decide I want to go to college and not have to wait until I turn 23.

     I resent the fact that this decision has been put on me, it shouldn't be a decision a 16 year old is given the responsibility to make. I'm not ready to start worrying about the future, I just want to have fun without consequences that will last me seven years. I hate the fact that soon all my friends are going to be making their decisions about what to do in college, they're almost all at least a few months younger than me and shouldn't be forced to plan their future this young, I was quite determined against this and I've managed thusfar to avoid making decisions about my future in advance to my future but suddenly I have to, I have to make this huge decision that I just can't deal with and it's quite upsetting and really stressful an I don't think I have the ability to make a judgement in which decision is right for me, I might as well flip a coin. I honestly don't know. 

Me! Me! Me!

Okay, so once a week didn't work for me, I will keep trying to do it but I'm gonna stop apologizing at the start of each post. It's been an eventful few weeks, well most things happened in like the last week but y'know. The official trailer for 'The Fault In Our Stars' came out and that was exciting and emotional, and then I realized that it's not coming out 'til June so that sucks. I managed to get myself suspended for mitching class, it's only an internal suspension and it's only for a day and there are no other repercussions so I'm not too bothered, last time I was suspended it was much worse because I saw it as a big deal now it's just kinda a dull day where I don't have to go to class and I manage to miss the accounting test (I was mitching partially because of a different test in accounting so for skipping one test I get forced to miss another, not that I'm complaining. The other big thing that happened to me was actually pretty scary for me, basically I fainted. I was standing on this step thing at the time and managed to fall halfway across the room. I hurt my back pretty bad but at the time that wasn't the worst part. The worst bit was the ringing in my ears that continued after I fell and I couldn't hear anything, it started to fade after a while and I could just hear my mum calling me but I couldn't respond, I tried but I just couldn't. It was the scariest thing that I've been through for a long time. I'm alright now, well mentally, my back still hurts like fuck and I have these patches that have like deep heat and painkillers on them all across my back and on my neck. Sleeping is also pretty tricky when you have to keep your back perfectly straight and not have your weight on it but I manage. This is basically just about me. Hmm... I don't think I meant for it to be but y'know I'm pretty self-absorbed  so it makes sense for it to be. I've been thinking about vlogging again, I'm probably going to do it but I dunno when. Anyways, that's my life right now so bye.
     Ruska

Panic! At The Disco (with general update on life at the start)

     It's been a week and I have absolutely no idea what to write about, loads has happened but most of it boring everyday stuff so I don't see why that would interest anyone, including myself. Maybe I'll just run through everything quickly here at the start while I try to think of something interesting to write about. I'll just give everything an elongated sentence to explain themselves. I got an appointment to see a consultant about my wrist (remember? Weronika kicked me and I have a cyst I gotta get removed) but it isn't for two years so I have to go private which is shit, but means I might get it sorted soon enough. I had a meeting with the school careers guidance councillor  and I didn't hate it as much as expected, she did spend a lot of the time telling me how amazing I am and how my fairly good Junior Cert was a serious underachievement, which is always nice to hear (basically I could fucking amazing if I could be arsed, as far as I can tell). I was sick and that was horrible (still kinda am a little) but I got 3 days off school for it. Other than that my days have been spent on Tumblr and watching various videos and TV shows. There's a new show called 'Black Sails' which only has one episode out so far but it's pretty awesome, all about pirates and shit like that. My friend was trying to get me to watch it and she just said this " its got pirates and blood and lesbians, it's great" and I was pretty convinced after that point (I may have added the punctuation but other than that it's exactly as she said). I still don't know what to write about though.

     Okay, so I left it for a while and I'm listening to music so I just wanted to point out the brilliance of the line "I know it's sad, 

But I never gave a damn about the weather,
And it never a gave a damn about me"

Don't you agree? I'm not sure what it is about that line but I just really love it, there's not much else I can say about it except tell you to listen to the song which I'll stick in here somewhere. 

It's a really nice song, even if that line means nothing to you, you should listen to the song. On the topic of Panic! At The Disco (henceforth known as P!ATD because that's a long name, I'll mention it at the start of anything I write mentioning them but y'know, I'm lazy), I was listening to this song by them called Girls/Girls/Boys (not sure if its about a threesome or bisexuality but I think its bisexuality) and I had the video playing on full screen while I was doing whatever on my phone. The video features Brendon Urie naked (you only see him from the waist up) with a complete blank backdrop, so my mother walks in and glances at my screen right at the point where it decides to zoom in on his belly button. She just kinda backed out of my room looking slight confused and very disturbed, needless to say, I didn't leave the room for the rest of the evening. It's a good song, you should listen to that too, I'll stick it in here too.

So yeah, that's P!ATD, I'm going to go see them in the Olympia in May this year which is awesome. I should really talk about All Time Low cos they're the next gig I'm going to... I have plenty of time though, it's not till March (In about 55 days, I've been told). 

     Anyway, that's me, I should be on within the next week,
     Ruska